i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
