just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
