his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
