If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
