Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
