Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
