the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
