well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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