you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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