That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
