Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just gargled with NyQuil
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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