we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
