If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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