When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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