Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
