Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
