Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
