I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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