if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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