I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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