Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
