They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
