I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
