Where did you get a picture of my penis
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
