had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
