I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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