I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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