Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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