the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
