i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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