you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
