Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
