Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
