So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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