I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
