im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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