Me. At least after what I've been through.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
