so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
