I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
