I look better un-naked...
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize