Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
