Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
