I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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