my mouth tastes like poor choices
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
