i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
