I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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