my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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