ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
