if i died would you start the facebook group?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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