my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
