There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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