I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
